Subtitles By: Exclusive pappu.innocent@gmail.com
I know right
Thank you guys so great to be here in Chicago
I love this city.
I like Chicago. I respect Chicago. You know What I mean
If i smoke a cigarette in Chicago I am very polite
I'll put it out in an ashtray or a garbage can
As far as back in L.A I'd do what I'd normally do and just
Flick it at a kid
I really do love this town
I actually once went on a date with a girl from Chicago
This was like ten years ago. Back before even I was a comedian yet
Back then I was just a regular old piece of shit like you guys.
But I'll never forget this date
We meet up in a bar We started drinking, We started talking, We are laughing
Together. We are connecting It was great
But then we leave the bar we go back to her place
And as soon as walked in the front door She passes out cold on her couch
Now...
I went to college
I knew I had a million options
But I'm a gentleman
So I did the smart thing
I just got a blanket, I tucked her in I left her a note, That said:
"You got raped."
"Thank You."
I feel like it's very important Very Important
To open up my show with a rape joke
Just to see what kind of crowd I'm dealing with here
You guys are gonna be great
But if you were upset, or if you were offended in anyway
Please don't worry
I have only got two more rape jokes
And I wait about 15 minutes
But don't think I'm a bad person for making that joke
Don't think I'm a bad guy for saying that. No
I'm a good guy like
I would never hit a woman
Even If she had a knife or...
A stutter
That's not how I do business
In fact, I might be one of the greatest guys of all time
Like I have got a kid in Africa Yeah.
I have got a kid in Africa that I feed,
That I clothe, That I school That I inoculate
For 75 cents a day
Which is practically nothing
Compared to..
What it cost to send him there
You guys are.. You guys are doing great so far
I love performing in Chicago
The only weird thing about performing in Chicago for me is
After all my shows every body just wants to do drugs with me
They are like: "Anthony that was hilarious I got a joint on me let's go smoke it"
"Hey Jeselnik amazing job as usual"
"I have got mushrooms in my backpack let's eat em"
And I have got to keep telling them
the same thing I'm gonna tell you guys right now
"Hey, Assholes I'm fucking famous.
Give it to me."
I think my friend Jeff is gay
I don't know
I'm so bad with names
Smart crowd
When I was a kid
My friends and I got arrested for vandalising a graveyard
10 thousand dollars in damages
But we had a great lawyer
Who knocked it down to criminal trespassing
And necrophilia.
I make a lot of jokes about death
I think it's hilarious
My whole family is like that actually
This is how hard I'm fucking killing
My whole family is like that Kind of you know...
In fact well before I was even born My great grand mother
Threw herself in front of a bus
Police tried to say she was committing suicide but the family knew
That she was just
Trying to stop Civil Rights
Yesterday I accidentally
Hit a little kid with my car
It wasn't serious
Nobody saw me..
My little sister had a baby recently You know, Little new born
Kid is so cute.. But she won't let me hold him
She refuses. Says: "No way Anthony
I'm afraid you gonna drop him"
Like I'm some kind of idiot
Like I don't have a million other ways
To hurt that baby
I'll get it done
And people get weird when kids die
No that's a fact
Like about a month ago
Some kids in my neighbourhood were playing Hide and Seek
And one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator
It's only anybody talked about for weeks
I said: "Who cares..
"How may kids you know
Get to die a winner."
I assume you guys all knew who you are coming to see tonight
But if you didn't You sure as shit know now
Like, One thing I never understood is like the foot fetish
Are you guys together right here? Yes.
How long you guys been together? 5 Years. Wow
Do you ever suck on her feet?
No?
Would you if you had a different girlfriend?
Or you are like across the board: "No Feet" ?
You don't really mind it
You just don't do it with her because you have mistresses
Cos, I am across the board No Feet.
I once went on a date with a girl we went hiking
Her idea
And while we were hiking she gets bit
By a snake in between two toes
And I had to suck out the poison
So she is dead
What's your name? Where you from Bridget?
The suburbs?
That sure narrows it down
What do you do?
What you do when you are not being so fucking boring
Take your time I'm really funny.
You are a full time student. OK. What do you study?
Psychology Where do you go to school?
Rockford College?
So you are not gonna be a good psychologist
Last question though
Have you ever been on a blind date before?
You ever did that?
No? You lucky.
I went on a blind date once just once
And I will never do it again
It was the biggest disaster of all time
She ended up being a burn victim
By the end of the night.. I mean it was like the worst..
I have spent the past two years
Looking for my ex girlfriend's killer
But no one will do it
My ex girlfriend owned a Parakeet
Did you guys hear what I just said?
She owned a Parakeet
OMG. That fucking thing never shut up
But the bird was cool
My ex girlfriend had like a lot of like really annoying habits
I think the worst was she liked to read the women magazines
Like Cosmo or...
Well, Things like Cosmo
And she would flip straight to relationship quiz
Not only would she present that to me as it was like a fun activity
for us to do together
Even though every question is designed to fuck my entire world up
But even worse like she would get mad at my answers
And make me change them
So we get the best score
Like I will never forget the last time we played that game
She was: "Anthony, If you had lunch with anyone in the world
Living or dead, Who would it be?"
I said: "I don't know, Caligula"
She goes: "Really Caligula?"
That's your answer. That's what you gonna say to me?
Your girlfriend. Are you sure?
I said: "Oh I'm sorry baby..
"Lemme change that
"I'd have lunch with you
And you would be dead."
Yeah.. We were not together any more
She has got a new boyfriend now
They just moved in together
And I have heard rumours that he is abusive
Which makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat
And then blame it on her boyfriend
But I don't wanna sound like a misogynist up here
My ex girlfriend wasn't like a bad person really. She wasn't a bad girl at all
But she was terrible in bed
Terrible in bed. I mean she would just lie there
Screaming: "Nooooooo"
That was rape joke number 2 baby doll
Yeah, Clap it up
My girlfriend now is great My girlfriend now is almost perfect
And she hates that I tell rape jokes. Hates it
Says: "Anthony, How can you make light of something
As terrible as rape, After I told you that I got raped in high school"
And I said baby because
I don't believe you
My girlfriend and I argue a lot
It's mostly her arguing with me kind of thing.Like I should just keep my mouth shut
Because fight we get into is my fault
I should just keep my mouth shut
But I can't. Because I'm so fucking funny
Like a couple of nights ago we go to a party
And we get trashed Completely wasted. Wake up in bed
The next morning Completely hung over
And I know I should just keep my mouth shut
But instead I roll over and I say: "Listen baby don't get mad
But I think your mom tried to have sex with me last night"
And she hit the roof She goes: Anthony That's impossible"
And I said: "Oh well in that case..
You should always wear make up"
I love that joke so much
Here is why
Did you guys hear like the sounds you've made?
Like that was the worst thing that I have said tonight
I have told three rape jokes
I like to play pranks on my girlfriend you know
Keep things fresh for me Make me laugh. She hates it
But like the other night I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat
Which doesn't sound that original
But she is bulimic
I like that you laugh until I look at you and then you stop laughing
Cos you don't wanna give me the satisfaction
It's great. You seem like a cool girl
In a completely different environment
But we it work you know
How long have you guys been together? right here..
3 years. OK.
What would you say is like a secret is like good long relationship?
Communication. WRONG!
The secret is trying new things together
Specially in the bed room
Like the other night My girlfriend and I
are in bed together She says: "Anthony..
I want you to pee on me."
Now I have never thought about peeing on a woman in my entire life
Never even imagined it before
But then I got the green light
And apparently it's my thing
Like I just jumped up right away
But as soon as I began She starts screaming at me
Like it's my fault she talks in her sleep
My girlfriend yells at me all the time She yells at me all the time
And again I'm a gentleman
I never think it's OK to yell back at a woman no matter what
When you saw how I handled that shit. Right?
I never think it's OK to yell back at a woman
But the other night She yelled at me for so long
And so loud that the cops came to the door
Which is embarrassing
Because now I have got to answer my own door and say:
"Officers, I'm so sorry. There is no reason for you to be here tonight
I already tased her."
I have got this friend named Kevin
I call him a friend more than acquaintance really, you know
One of those people who think they are way better friends with you
Than they actually are
Like the other day Kevin says to me:
"Hey Man, you know what I like to do when I'm all by
Myself and no one is around?"
Before I can say: "Hey we are not really friends
He says: "I like to take peanut butter
"And smear it all over myself
And then let my dog lick it off"
I said: "Dude you have got to get yourself a girlfriend
I'll trade you mine for that dog"
You guys are fantastic
It's a great.. relax
I love, I really love performing at this place
You know, It's a great place to perform And I would know
I perform all over the world
Clubs, Theatres, Colleges, Festivals.
College is a great. Cos it's just me talking to like 18 and 22 years old
Which is ideal
And they teach me things all the time you know like
I was at a college recently and they taught me the term
Have you guys ever heard the term "Butter Face" before?
It's been around for a long time If you haven't heard the term
Butter Face is like a girl who has got a really hot body
But Her Face You know
But her face is all fucked up
Now I heard that I thought that was pretty mean. You know
I have never dated a Butter face before
But i did once date a Monkey Face
Have you guys ever heard of that?
It's different..
A Monkey Face is like a girl who has got like a face
Like a total monkey
But the rest of her..
Isn't that hot..
She was one in a million
I would give anything to go back and
Pee on her
I like telling that joke a lot because people think I'm about to be racist
Like Oh Anthony you are racist
Well, Fuck you
I'm not racist at all
Some of my best friends
Are Black for Halloween
Pubs are great, Colleges are great Festivals though, Festivals is where it's at
Festivals is like musicians and comedians hanging out all week
You never get to do that
I got to go to South By South West in Austin Texas last year
Which is a great festival But I didn't realize how popular it gets
I drive into the town and like "Hey, where is my hotel room this weekend?"
Yeah (Girl Shouts)
Thank you
Thank you for backing me up there
I don't know.. I don't know what story you think we share
But you are wrong
Yeah, I'm on a same page as this famous fucking guy travelling around the world
We are cool We are good
So I.. So I get into the town I say: "Where is my hotel room this weekend?"
And they said: "Where did you book your hotel room this weekend?"
I said: "I didn't."
And they said: "Yeah..
Your hotel room is in your car you fucking idiot."
It was two in the morning
Trying to fall asleep in the back of my car
And I get a phone call from the festival they say:
"Anthony good news, There is a hotel about three miles away
They have one room that just became available
If you get there right now right away, they will take care of you"
So I drive as fast as I can
I get there first guy behind the front desk says: "Yes Mr.Jeselnik
We do have one room available but by law I have to tell you
That earlier this afternoon two prostitutes over dosed in that bed
And I said:
"Well, How much more is that?"
Are you still on board at this point? Was that...?
But I don't wanna sound like I'm complaining to you guys
I don't wanna sound bitter.
Being a comedian is the greatest job in the world
Once you get to my level
The only thing that I don't like is all the travel
I'm always flying somewhere
Always in the airport. Even flying in Chicago a couple of days ago
Two n half hour flight delay I'm stuck in airport bar
Talking to some random ass hole
And I got nowhere to go
So I'm like: "Hey man, what do you do?"
He says and I quote: "Oh nothing right now
But I used to be a priest"
As in Oh shit. Right?
But I got nowhere to go So we keep talking, we keep drinking
Finally two hours goes by Guy get up
"Hey man I gotta catch my flight but I don't wanna lie to you
I used to be a priest I got kicked out cos I molested a kid"
Now here is the thing
After talking to the this guy and getting to know this guy for two hours
I have to admit he was actually a really cool guy
If you could forget about you know...
All that Jesus bullshit
Yeah That's a favourite
I'm probably gonna tell it again later
But it's not all bad news with me
My grand father turns 100 years old next month
Maybe
I'm really skeptical
I don't think I ever got over my grand mother's death
When I was a kid
And my grand mother died from heart attack during
My 9th birthday party
Literally While she was eating cake
And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit
I mean, I still have birthday parties
But Now I'm just...
Careful what I wish for.
My dad is been having a hard time lately
Keeps on losing keys
Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life
And he has tried every thing too. Little hook next to the door
Little bowl next to his bed
One of those key chains that makes a noise when you whistle
Nothing worked
So finally this year for his birthday
The whole family chipped in
And we put him in a home
That was not easy..
Not an easy decision to make at all
My dad was an amazing man you guys
My dad was an amazing...
My dad raised five boys all by himself
Without the rest of us knowing
And sure my dad had his problems. you know, had his issues
My dad was a big time alcoholic Major league alcoholic
Black out every night kind of alcoholic
But to his credit My dad never once laid a finger
On either me or my mom. Not once
And I don't know it was just because he loved us so much or..
If he just
Hated my sisters but either way...
Either way He was a great dad
You know the tough times for me I was like ten years old
My parents call me into their bedroom and they say:
"Anthony, We wanna get a divorce"
"You have to decide which one of us you wanna live with"
And I was a 10 year old kid I didn't know any better
I just said: "Dad, Dad I wanna live with dad"
It was heart breaking My mom just looked at the floor and said:
"Well, whatever you want Anthony."
And my dad just said:
"I don't want a divorce any more"
And maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life
Was when my dad gave me the sex talk
The old man was..
into some really crazy shit
But then maybe the greatest moment of my life ever
I think it's like a universal thing for guys
12 years old. I'm sneaking around my house
And I found my dad's porn in the back of attic
That was a great day That was a game changer for me
But then the worst day of my life was the Day I found
My mom's porn..
In the back of that video store
I told that joke recently on Conan
That's right, CONAN!
And immediately afterwards my mom calls me on the phone
And she said: "Anthony, What the fuck?"
"Do you really have to make up a joke that makes it sound like that
That I work in pornography and then say it on Conan?"
That's my least favourite joke that you have"
And I just said: "Well Mom That's only because you haven't
heard the other jokes that I tell about you
That they are not allowed to let me say on Conan.
Per example
My mom is crazy. People always like to joke "My Mom's crazy"
My mom is CRAAAAAZY
Her entire house is filled with nothing but pictures of Princess Diana
And they are all from right after the accident
And most of them she drew like it's really fucked up you guys
My mom had one of those tiny little dogs. It was a little Pomeranian
And she loved it more than any of her kids
To the point that when it finally died last year
She had it stuffed
With another Pomeranian
And my mom is being having a hard time lately you know
She just found out she has to have both of her breasts removed
If she is ever gonna be good at golf
Yeah. That can not be easy to hear
So I went home to visit. I'm from Pittsburgh originally.
Just hang out with my mom for a little bit you know
Yeah, Congrats
So I went home and hang out with her a little bit, Help her out, cheer up
But all my mom cares about now is the lottery and me running errands for her
Like every day, Every day it's: "Anthony go play my number
Go play my numbers please I don't wanna miss out today"
Finally after a week of this I had to say to her
"Mom, Are you out of your God damn mind?
Don't you know you got a better chance of getting struck by lightening
Than me doing you a favour?"
Now one thing I have learnt in my years of doing stand up comedy
Is that people get really upset
Audiences get really upset. If I ever try to tell a joke about suicide
So because of that
Here are four jokes about suicide
That's appropriate
I got a...
I have got a long history of suicide in my family
The good news is: It skips a generation
So if I'm lucky
My kids will do it
I will never forget my sister Ashley tried to kill herself last year
By throwing herself off a cliff
Which was awful
I'm actually the one who found her
And drive her to the cliff
Like I don't have better shit to do
When I was a kid my uncle Tom killed himself
I remember that because the family actually tried to cover it up
Making it look like he accidentally shot himself
Playing regular Roulette
No one No one was fooled. Didn't work
But I think the worst thing is probably my cousin Tai
Who killed himself a couple of years ago
That was hard cos he was just like a little bit older than me
I'd always go to him for advice You know..
And he was great with it too
Whether I was asking about school or girls or just life in general
He always said the same thing to me He'd say: "Anthony..
Kill yourself
I miss that guy
Now you guys have been a great crowd tonight
You have gone with me everywhere I wanted you to go
But if you were just sitting there this whole
Time Thinking: "Anthony This is all well and good
But where are your offensive jokes"?
Where are your show stoppers?"
Well, guys I saved those for the end
I'm gonna tell you all a series of jokes right now
That are going to get increasingly more offensive
I like that enthusiasm
Let's see how far it carries
They say it's easy, It's easy to make fun of retarded people
But let me tell you guys something It is not
You have really got to explain it to them
That was the first one
Every night my girlfriend comes home from work
And she brings with her a house plant.She is like"
"Anthony, I'd to pick this up we need a house plant in our apartment"
And every night I make her return it. I say:
"No way baby, You can't take care of a house plant
You couldn't even keep your baby alive."
Two for two huh?
We have just, We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy
A peanut allergy which is very serious, I know
But still I feel my parents are totally over reacting
They caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts
And they kicked me out of his funeral
I feel like some of you guys might be too nice to laugh
At some of these jokes
That's OK. Not everybody has...
A great sense of humour
You guys would probably love my little nephew he is like
Six years old and so cute. I talk to him everyday on the phone
He is unbelievable. He has got like the greatest imagination ever
He is either gonna be an incredible artist someday
Or he..
Really did get molested
I was not even laughing about one I was thinking about what's coming
I feel like I need to say like I really believe this
That being a mother seems like one of the toughest jobs in the world
Like literally right below comedian.
So to me if a mother does her best then in my book she is a good mom
Now my mom did her very best
Unfortunately, she was also a terrible person
Like my mom for most of her life, this is true
My mom for most of her life was a holocaust denier
Does everybody know what doe that means?
It means that she couldn't believe the holocaust happen
It's like the worst thing you can be
And it was terrible for the entire family we had to deal with
Until finally a couple of years ago we had an intervention
We had a Rabbi come in to the home had him walk her through the history of Jews
And then he made her watch Schindler list.
And after that my mom did a complete 180
Now..
She can't believe it only happened once
I'm glad you guys enjoyed that one
Because my mom was also really racist too
Like when I was a kid My mom thought it was smart parenting
She thought it was a good idea
To try to convince me that Santa Claus was black
Because then that way
When I eventually find out He didn't exist
It wouldn't be that big of a let down
Three more
I'm not a religious person, I would call myself an Atheist.
I don't have a good story behind it. I'm just..
Reasonable.
And my girlfriend, my girlfriend has got like the greatest story behind
Why she is not religious any more
So when was a kid like 12 years old Her parents nailed a 25 pound
crucifix to the wall right above her bed
And about two weeks later
In the middle of night the crucifix falls off the wall
and leaves a 2" gash
In the back of her dad's head
Like whether you laughed or not you gotta admit that's a fucking great story
One thing that drives me crazy with my girlfriend now
Is that she has got like a million shoes
Like a million shoes
And she doesn't even like to wear them. I swear she just likes
Stealing from the Holocaust museum
No that joke you either laughing
Or you simply never been to the Holocaust museum
You gotta believe me It's like a Nike factory in there..
But if you haven't been you should go. It's important
Now people who fly a lot the way I do. People fly all the time
They all say the same thing to me They say :"Anthony, there is nothing worse
Than a baby on an airplane
Nothing worse than a baby on an airplane
But I disagree
I can give you guys four examples
Of when having a baby on an airplane was awesome
Although..
They were all on 9/11
Now this is the ideal time to tell you guys
That I love to meet fans after the show
I like when people come up and say: "Anthony, you are a genius"
"Anthony, best show I have ever seen"
And that's it.
I don't wanna never hear anything else
If you have got a bone to pick with me over something I said tonight
Instead you should just Shut The Fuck Up
Because seriously I know more about comedy than you do
And you came to see me
Like I said: Shut The Fuck Up
After I have said all that you still feel you like you need to come up and bitch
Well then I'll be as polite as I can possibly be
However, it is ill advised
Because you will end up as a joke in my act
Much like the blind guy who came up and complained to me in Seattle after a show
He walked up and said: "Anthony, Anthony..
Why didn't you tell any blind jokes tonight?
I came here to hear blind jokes tonight"
I said: "well Here is a blind joke"
Another good one for me was the lesbian in Portland
Who ran up after a show
And I know she was a lesbian Because she ran up and yelled out
"Anthony, I'm a lesbian"
And I thought you were really funny tonight
But you are just lucky you didn't make any lesbian jokes up there
Cos, I would have got really mad If you had made fun of any lesbians tonight"
And I wanted to say to her: "Hey, Do you
Realize that that makes you a terrible person. And you have no sense of humour
Plus, You are an idiot. If you felt
Ok laughing at all messed up things I joked about
But you would have gotten really upset
If I made fun of you or something you care about
And I was gonna say all that
But then I remembered Anthony, She is a lesbian
She knows..
My second favourite post show interaction of all time had to be
Boston a couple of years ago. When a very drunk girl.
The girl was very drunk ran up to me and she scream out
"You should never make fun of the holocaust"
And I said: "Why?"
You know, Just to be a dick
And she says: "because I lost family in the holocaust"
And I said: "Well, you don't look Jewish"
And she said: "Listen, ass hole...
There are certain lines you are not supposed to cross
Certain boundaries You are never supposed to push"
And I said: "Hey , hey hey...
I just gave you a compliment"
But my favourite..
The best, most unbeatable never gonna happen again
Post show interaction of all time had to be, just, just about a year ago
I was performing in Orlando, Florida.
Home of Casey Anthony.
And this is right after the trial like immediately after the trial
And I said: "Listen everybody, I don't understand what the big deal is here"
Of course Casey Anthony is innocent
If she is guilty of anything
It's killing her baby
Now after the show I'm taking pictures
Signing tits, You know how it is
And a guy walks up to me totally sober looking very upset
He says: "You need to do me a favour"
Which is a terrible way to start
He says: "You need to never tell another Casey Anthony joke ever again"
I said: "Why?"
You know.. Just to be a dick
He says, I'll never forget this He says:
"Because her daughter, Caylee Anthony, is my niece."
I said: "Bullshit"
At which point he takes out his phone sadly hits a couple buttons
And shows me a picture of him holding little Caylee Anthony
In happier times of course
And he says: "See, see you son of a bitch"
I said: "No man, I believe you
I just mean She WAS your niece"
Thank you very much everybody Have a great night. Thank you so much
Subtitles By: Exclusive pappu.innocent@gmail.com